An addiction or an excuse?
The following is a guest post written by Bryan Atkinson, a friend of mine who is Christian Counselor. Bryan offices out of Community of Hope UMC in Mansfield. You can contact him at bryan@communityofhope.com or 817-228-8636.
In a matter of weeks Tiger Woods went from the world’s most powerful and recognizable athlete to the media’s biggest punchline. Everyone–especially the media–seems to have an opinion on what Tiger did and what he’s done to try and repair his image. During this time, it has been fascinating to hear what the world at large thinks about sexual addiction. My favorite response so far has been, “If you are one of the unfortunate members of society who was born a male, then you are a sex addict.”
That’s what it has come down to. If you are a male, then many would say that you are a sex addict. According to society’s rules, we all want to have sex (a lot) and only a few of us can control our urges. Apparently Tiger was doing what any other man in his situation would have done. Obviously this is beyond ridiculous, but popular opinion would have us believe this.
Many people don’t believe in the validity of the term sex addiction–but look at Tiger Woods’ example. His addiction could cost him everything–his family, his marriage, his career and untold millions of dollars. The best response I’ve ever heard about whether or not there is such a thing as a ‘sex addiction’ was, “I never believed there were sex addicts or that I was one, but here I am sitting here in counseling, with my wife ready to kick me out and take away my kids. And my sexual behavior is to blame.”
So what’s the difference between sexual desire and sexual addiction? Is there such a thing as sexual addiction? How does one deal with sexual addiction?
I’d like to shed some light on sexual addiction and share some of my experiences in the field.
There is a large disconnect amongst the general public between substance addictions and sexual addiction. We see alcoholics and drug addicts as people who need serious help to break a severe chemical addiction, but when it comes to behavioral addictions (eating, sex, cutting, etc) we generally expect addicts to help themselves simply through their own willpower. In reality, the biochemical processes at play in all addictions are identical. In recovery, we tend to see ‘cross-addictions.’ The addict will jump from one addiction to another. The sex-addict will gain 30 pounds in 3 months. The drug addict will become a compulsive gambler. These addictive behaviors don’t happen in a vacuum; they are inter-related.
Ultimately, an addiction is a way to self medicate. It’s a way to stop feeling bad and start feeling good. “I don’t like how I feel after work, so I go to happy hour. I don’t like how I feel, so I get high. I don’t like how I feel, so I look at porn.” These thoughts are definitely subconscious. Very few addicts operate on this conscious level, but ultimately, this what drives all addictions.
The most common objection I get to this theory is, “But you don’t understand. My sex drive is just a lot higher than most guys.” This response is ridiculous. Addicts don’t have a sex drive problem. They have a self control problem. Most every man wants to have sex… a lot. But most every man tells himself no. Sex addicts do not. They look at pornography and participate in sexual behaviors that jeopardize every aspect of their lives.
There is no technical diagnosis for sex addiction. There is no DSM-IV classification for the behaviors that make up sexual addiction. But those that work in the field see it every day. We see the men and women who risk everything everyday for nothing more than a momentary feeling of pleasure that passes within minutes. They all need help. The church, and the world as a whole, needs to be educated on what the problem consists of and how we can help.
