When forgiveness is denied

September 2, 2010 in Teaching with 2 Comments

Forgiveness was one of the topics we addressed this past weekend during our discussion on loving God and loving others. On Monday morning, I received a great follow up question to that conversation via email.

What do we do when forgiveness isn’t returned? If I offer forgiveness, and sincerely ask for forgiveness from another (and not necessarily in return, but just asked for), but am denied that forgiveness, how do I move on from that? How do I reconcile that?

I responded with these four thoughts.

We can’t control people’s response. 

Life would be so much easier [at least we assume it would be] if we could, but the fact of the matter is that sometime even our most sincere intention are met with resistance. In any and every situation, I think God would want us to be mindful of the fact that the only person we can control is ourselves and the only response we can control is ours.

Forgiveness is ultimately between you and God.

What I mean by this thought is that even in an instance where you are trying to express forgiveness to someone else, it’s ultimately about you and God. I have always found it helpful to think of grace as an investment that God has put in you. The grace God gives is not only an investment in us individually, God also expects that the investment of that grace will flow out of us into others as well. Just as people resist grace given directly from God, sometimes they resist the grace we offer as an expression of God’s grace at work in our lives.

When forgiveness is denied, it creates a prayer point for us.

When someone refuses our sincere desire to say I’m sorry, I think it points out a brokenness in that person’s life. Rather than elevating my bitterness or anger, I think it creates an opportunity for me to say, “I’m going to pray for this person that whatever wound in their life is creating resistance here would be healed.” Now this absolutely should be done with gentleness and grace. Saying to them, “I’m going to pray for you because you just cannot let this go,” is not the answer! Notice the underlying assumption here… Even when someone denies my forgiveness, it is in an opportunity for me to model grace and love.

Practicing forgiveness will always expand our compassion.

This is maybe the most important thought for me. I think it also reveals why forgiveness is such an essential practice of the Christian faith. Compassion is loving like God loves, and when we consider how God loves it is hard to miss how “reckless” God loves us. When we practice forgiveness, especially in situations where our forgiveness is denied, we are loving others like God does. Compassion also increases our humility and humility is what helps us resist self-righteousness.

And one final thought…

Forgiveness is one of the primary avenues by which God’s grace is birthed into the world.

Now that thought should send us to our knees. What that says to me is that forgiveness is one of the most important responsibilities that I bear as a representative of Christ. Forgiving someone who has wronged me is one of the most counter-cultural  and revolutionary behaviors I can model for the world… especially when my most sincere efforts to express forgiveness are denied.

  • Jennifer Brandt

    The key, to me, is the premise that I am SINCERELY coming to that person with a humble and repentant heart when I ask for forgiveness for a hurt that I have caused. We need to ask: is this about me and my pride, or is it about loving God and loving others? Have I truly asked for forgiveness, or have I stopped short? Perhaps my request for “forgiveness” was patronizing, superficial, or insincere. No wonder the other person isn’t responding. Furthermore, only God knows the heart. I see in the other person what I think I see. What I may interpret as denied forgiveness may be something completely different. They may have forgiven me, but the consequence of the action that needed to be forgiven may be playing itself out in ways that I don’t like and maybe don’t even want to admit. That’s when I need to renew my focus on the prayer point, and to ask God to search me and see if anything in me is broken. Forgiveness is mandatory, but we need to be prepared to face the natural consequences of our actions.

    • http://www.davidsbucket.com davidsbucket

      Jennifer,

      Great thoughts. I especially like what you said about, "what I may interpret as denied forgiveness may be something completely different." One of the things I hear over and over again in what you have shared is that absolute honesty with ourselves and one another is an essential of practicing forgiveness well. Thanks again for sharing.