The following is a guest post written by Bryan Atkinson, a friend of mine who is Christian Counselor.  Bryan offices out of Community of Hope UMC in Mansfield. You can contact him at bryan@communityofhope.com or 817-228-8636.

In the previous two posts, we’ve examined the dynamics of addiction and our culture’s insistence on minimizing sexual addiction. I’d like to spend some time examining specifically what a person can do when they find themselves mired in this addiction.

The two main elements in any recovery are accountability and relationship. It’s imperative that anyone going through addiction have a support system in place to lean on during times of temptation or failure. Most addicts will mess up, slip, or act out. They will ignore their boundaries and fall back into their addiction. A support system of family and friends needs to be in place, one that will be willing to help pick them up. This support system needs to be educated about the specific addiction. Too often, the family can be full of enablers (those that actually set the addict up for failure). The family and friends need to read up on the addiction and perhaps attend a support group meeting themselves.

The most important element of accountability is the accountability partner (or partners). In the case of sexual addiction, the addict must find one or more people who have struggled with THIS addiction. Many guys I’ve worked with over the years have had an accountability group in place before they came in for counseling. However, most of these groups have consisted of guys with all kinds of issues and problems and usually none of them contain another member struggling with sexual addiction. The problem with this lies in the follow-up. One guy may say he hasn’t had his quiet time this week. The next guy may say he’s looked at pornography on the internet 14 times in the last week and a half. What comes next? Does his accountability partner console him? Lift him up? Blow him up and criticize him for not calling him sooner? Should he tell his wife? Someone who has never walked in his shoes has no idea what to do next. Regular accountability with a group of men also struggling with sexual addiction is extremely difficult to find and maintain, and it’s also worth its weight in gold.

The group will initially start off meeting once a week. After several months, they may shift to every other week, monthly, etc. At some point, they should transition to long term accountability. They will check in with each other every six months or so. They should have a checklist of sexually addictive behaviors. As long has no one has participated in any of these behaviors, then they will maintain their semi-annual schedule. However, they all realize that they will pick up their weekly meetings if or when their any of their accountability partners has a slip.

The second element of addiction recovery is relationship (or intimacy). We were all created for relationship. God’s nature, as exemplified in the Trinity, displays that even God the Father desires relationship and closeness with others. We were created in God’s image. We were created for intimate relationships with others. It has been my experience that there is an epidemic of men in our culture who don’t know how to have close relationships with other men (or even their wives for that matter). Stereotypically, men have several close friends when they are in high school. They go to college and bond with other guys in their dorm. Eventually they get married and have a couple of kids and one day look around and have NO significant relationships with men. Their ‘best’ male friends are usually a couple of guys that they talk to once or twice a year. This is called isolation. Sure they may be surrounded by co-workers and acquaintances every day. But they live a life void of deepintimate relationships. We were created to have these deep intimate relationships and their absence sends us somewhere, anywhere to fill that void. These leads us to addictions. Addictions numb that feeling of loneliness. It creates a false intimacy that is cheap and fake. It always leaves us wanting more.

An addict must learn to create deep, intimate relationships. This can become a life-long process, but it’s also extremely rewarding. Soon, instead of seeking out isolation in order to act out, addicts are seeking out opportunities to explore deeper relationships and connect with others in ways they have never been able to before. Their relationships become deeper. Their marriages become healthier. They become more emotionally healthy.

This process is a long and complicated process. Very few can complete it alone. Fortunately there are a great number of resources available. As sexual addiction comes out from under the stigma that it has been under for so long in the church, there can soon be healing. The church can be a place of restoration and recovery. We can expose the secrets and the lies and instead become a beacon of emotional health to create healthy and whole followers of Christ.

The following is a guest post written by Bryan Atkinson, a friend of mine who is Christian Counselor.  Bryan offices out of Community of Hope UMC in Mansfield. You can contact him at bryan@communityofhope.com or 817-228-8636.

When treating any addiction, it’s imperative that you dig down to the deeper issues. Too often, we get caught up in treating the symptoms. An alcoholic focuses on not drinking, the drug addict focuses on avoiding drugs, etc. But why does the addict feel compelled to risk everything for one drink, for one moment of euphoria. We can get so wrapped in avoiding the drug of choice, that recovery focuses solely on sobriety. This is what I called “White Knuckled Sobriety”…. (Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up) Every waking moment is focused on avoiding the drug of choice rather than digging deeper into the root cause. Too often, addicts focus solely on how to avoid their drug of choice instead of exploring why they became an addict in the first place.

One night, after a sex addiction group session, a guy asked me if I adhered to the 12 step recovery model. I went into a long diatribe about the pros and cons of this model. He said, “Well that’s too bad. Because I’ve been sober for 12 years. One day at a time. God willing.” And then he walked out the door. And I felt really bad for the guy.

After twelve years, every morning, the first thing this guy thinks about when he gets out of bed is, “Don’t look at porn today.” How very depressing.

[I don't dislike the 12 steps, it's just that too often people get put their faith in the steps instead of Christ.  Too often get caught up in 'quitting' instead of diving below the surface an discovering why they have a problem in the first place.]

This doesn’t sound like the freedom in Christ that is promised in scripture. This is far from the liberty in Christ that we are promised. This sounds like bondage to recovery. Instead, we should look at recovery as an onion. The outer layers are the symptoms. The inner layers are where the real problems lie. The outer layers are drugs, alcohol and porn. The inner layers are filled with selfishness, pride, and entitlement. It’s unique for each individual, but it’s imperative that these inner layers are addressed.

Otherwise, the addict will simply replace one addiction for another. Take one layer, strip it off and replace it with a new layer that looks different, but in reality, serves the same purpose. I’ve seen Alcoholics Anonymous meetings where an addict says that they’ve been sober for 10 years, while they have a cup of coffee in one hand, a cigarette in the other and a bowl of chocolates in the middle of the room.

Ultimately, any addiction is seeking to change how we feel. A sex addiction, specifically, is seeking intimacy. Pornography and other sexual addictive behaviors are simply a form of false intimacy. They leave the addict feeling empty and hollow. Yet continually men and women will risk everything to fill this emotional void.

The following is a guest post written by Bryan Atkinson, a friend of mine who is Christian Counselor.  Bryan offices out of Community of Hope UMC in Mansfield. You can contact him at bryan@communityofhope.com or 817-228-8636.

In a matter of weeks Tiger Woods went from the world’s most powerful and recognizable athlete to the media’s biggest punchline. Everyone–especially the media–seems to have an opinion on what Tiger did and what he’s done to try and repair his image.  During this time, it has been fascinating to hear what the world at large thinks about sexual addiction. My favorite response so far has been, “If you are one of the unfortunate members of society who was born a male, then you are a sex addict.”

That’s what it has come down to. If you are a male, then many would say that you are a sex addict. According to society’s rules, we all want to have sex (a lot) and only a few of us can control our urges. Apparently Tiger was doing what any other man in his situation would have done. Obviously this is beyond ridiculous, but popular opinion would have us believe this.

Many people don’t believe in the validity of the term sex addiction–but look at Tiger Woods’ example. His addiction could cost him everything–his family, his marriage, his career and untold millions of dollars. The best response I’ve ever heard about whether or not there is such a thing as a ‘sex addiction’ was, “I never believed there were sex addicts or that I was one, but here I am sitting here in counseling, with my wife ready to kick me out and take away my kids. And my sexual behavior is to blame.”

So what’s the difference between sexual desire and sexual addiction? Is there such a thing as sexual addiction? How does one deal with sexual addiction?

I’d like to shed some light on sexual addiction and share some of my experiences in the field.

There is a large disconnect amongst the general public between substance addictions and sexual addiction. We see alcoholics and drug addicts as people who need serious help to break a severe chemical addiction, but when it comes to behavioral addictions (eating, sex, cutting, etc) we generally expect addicts to help themselves simply through their own willpower. In reality, the biochemical processes at play in all addictions are identical. In recovery, we tend to see ‘cross-addictions.’ The addict will jump from one addiction to another. The sex-addict will gain 30 pounds in 3 months. The drug addict will become a compulsive gambler. These addictive behaviors don’t happen in a vacuum; they are inter-related.

Ultimately, an addiction is a way to self medicate. It’s a way to stop feeling bad and start feeling good. “I don’t like how I feel after work, so I go to happy hour. I don’t like how I feel, so I get high. I don’t like how I feel, so I look at porn.” These thoughts are definitely subconscious. Very few addicts operate on this conscious level, but ultimately, this what drives all addictions.

The most common objection I get to this theory is, “But you don’t understand. My sex drive is just a lot higher than most guys.” This response is ridiculous. Addicts don’t have a sex drive problem. They have a self control problem. Most every man wants to have sex… a lot. But most every man tells himself no. Sex addicts do not. They look at pornography and participate in sexual behaviors that jeopardize every aspect of their lives.

There is no technical diagnosis for sex addiction. There is no DSM-IV classification for the behaviors that make up sexual addiction. But those that work in the field see it every day. We see the men and women who risk everything everyday for nothing more than a momentary feeling of pleasure that passes within minutes. They all need help. The church, and the world as a whole, needs to be educated on what the problem consists of and how we can help.