David’s Bucket

The following is a guest post written by Bryan Atkinson, a friend of mine who is Christian Counselor.  Bryan offices out of Community of Hope UMC in Mansfield. You can contact him at bryan@communityofhope.com or 817-228-8636.

In the previous two posts, we’ve examined the dynamics of addiction and our culture’s insistence on minimizing sexual addiction. I’d like to spend some time examining specifically what a person can do when they find themselves mired in this addiction.

The two main elements in any recovery are accountability and relationship. It’s imperative that anyone going through addiction have a support system in place to lean on during times of temptation or failure. Most addicts will mess up, slip, or act out. They will ignore their boundaries and fall back into their addiction. A support system of family and friends needs to be in place, one that will be willing to help pick them up. This support system needs to be educated about the specific addiction. Too often, the family can be full of enablers (those that actually set the addict up for failure). The family and friends need to read up on the addiction and perhaps attend a support group meeting themselves.

The most important element of accountability is the accountability partner (or partners). In the case of sexual addiction, the addict must find one or more people who have struggled with THIS addiction. Many guys I’ve worked with over the years have had an accountability group in place before they came in for counseling. However, most of these groups have consisted of guys with all kinds of issues and problems and usually none of them contain another member struggling with sexual addiction. The problem with this lies in the follow-up. One guy may say he hasn’t had his quiet time this week. The next guy may say he’s looked at pornography on the internet 14 times in the last week and a half. What comes next? Does his accountability partner console him? Lift him up? Blow him up and criticize him for not calling him sooner? Should he tell his wife? Someone who has never walked in his shoes has no idea what to do next. Regular accountability with a group of men also struggling with sexual addiction is extremely difficult to find and maintain, and it’s also worth its weight in gold.

The group will initially start off meeting once a week. After several months, they may shift to every other week, monthly, etc. At some point, they should transition to long term accountability. They will check in with each other every six months or so. They should have a checklist of sexually addictive behaviors. As long has no one has participated in any of these behaviors, then they will maintain their semi-annual schedule. However, they all realize that they will pick up their weekly meetings if or when their any of their accountability partners has a slip.

The second element of addiction recovery is relationship (or intimacy). We were all created for relationship. God’s nature, as exemplified in the Trinity, displays that even God the Father desires relationship and closeness with others. We were created in God’s image. We were created for intimate relationships with others. It has been my experience that there is an epidemic of men in our culture who don’t know how to have close relationships with other men (or even their wives for that matter). Stereotypically, men have several close friends when they are in high school. They go to college and bond with other guys in their dorm. Eventually they get married and have a couple of kids and one day look around and have NO significant relationships with men. Their ‘best’ male friends are usually a couple of guys that they talk to once or twice a year. This is called isolation. Sure they may be surrounded by co-workers and acquaintances every day. But they live a life void of deepintimate relationships. We were created to have these deep intimate relationships and their absence sends us somewhere, anywhere to fill that void. These leads us to addictions. Addictions numb that feeling of loneliness. It creates a false intimacy that is cheap and fake. It always leaves us wanting more.

An addict must learn to create deep, intimate relationships. This can become a life-long process, but it’s also extremely rewarding. Soon, instead of seeking out isolation in order to act out, addicts are seeking out opportunities to explore deeper relationships and connect with others in ways they have never been able to before. Their relationships become deeper. Their marriages become healthier. They become more emotionally healthy.

This process is a long and complicated process. Very few can complete it alone. Fortunately there are a great number of resources available. As sexual addiction comes out from under the stigma that it has been under for so long in the church, there can soon be healing. The church can be a place of restoration and recovery. We can expose the secrets and the lies and instead become a beacon of emotional health to create healthy and whole followers of Christ.

The following is a guest post written by Bryan Atkinson, a friend of mine who is Christian Counselor.  Bryan offices out of Community of Hope UMC in Mansfield. You can contact him at bryan@communityofhope.com or 817-228-8636.

When treating any addiction, it’s imperative that you dig down to the deeper issues. Too often, we get caught up in treating the symptoms. An alcoholic focuses on not drinking, the drug addict focuses on avoiding drugs, etc. But why does the addict feel compelled to risk everything for one drink, for one moment of euphoria. We can get so wrapped in avoiding the drug of choice, that recovery focuses solely on sobriety. This is what I called “White Knuckled Sobriety”…. (Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up) Every waking moment is focused on avoiding the drug of choice rather than digging deeper into the root cause. Too often, addicts focus solely on how to avoid their drug of choice instead of exploring why they became an addict in the first place.

One night, after a sex addiction group session, a guy asked me if I adhered to the 12 step recovery model. I went into a long diatribe about the pros and cons of this model. He said, “Well that’s too bad. Because I’ve been sober for 12 years. One day at a time. God willing.” And then he walked out the door. And I felt really bad for the guy.

After twelve years, every morning, the first thing this guy thinks about when he gets out of bed is, “Don’t look at porn today.” How very depressing.

[I don't dislike the 12 steps, it's just that too often people get put their faith in the steps instead of Christ.  Too often get caught up in 'quitting' instead of diving below the surface an discovering why they have a problem in the first place.]

This doesn’t sound like the freedom in Christ that is promised in scripture. This is far from the liberty in Christ that we are promised. This sounds like bondage to recovery. Instead, we should look at recovery as an onion. The outer layers are the symptoms. The inner layers are where the real problems lie. The outer layers are drugs, alcohol and porn. The inner layers are filled with selfishness, pride, and entitlement. It’s unique for each individual, but it’s imperative that these inner layers are addressed.

Otherwise, the addict will simply replace one addiction for another. Take one layer, strip it off and replace it with a new layer that looks different, but in reality, serves the same purpose. I’ve seen Alcoholics Anonymous meetings where an addict says that they’ve been sober for 10 years, while they have a cup of coffee in one hand, a cigarette in the other and a bowl of chocolates in the middle of the room.

Ultimately, any addiction is seeking to change how we feel. A sex addiction, specifically, is seeking intimacy. Pornography and other sexual addictive behaviors are simply a form of false intimacy. They leave the addict feeling empty and hollow. Yet continually men and women will risk everything to fill this emotional void.

The following is a guest post written by Bryan Atkinson, a friend of mine who is Christian Counselor.  Bryan offices out of Community of Hope UMC in Mansfield. You can contact him at bryan@communityofhope.com or 817-228-8636.

In a matter of weeks Tiger Woods went from the world’s most powerful and recognizable athlete to the media’s biggest punchline. Everyone–especially the media–seems to have an opinion on what Tiger did and what he’s done to try and repair his image.  During this time, it has been fascinating to hear what the world at large thinks about sexual addiction. My favorite response so far has been, “If you are one of the unfortunate members of society who was born a male, then you are a sex addict.”

That’s what it has come down to. If you are a male, then many would say that you are a sex addict. According to society’s rules, we all want to have sex (a lot) and only a few of us can control our urges. Apparently Tiger was doing what any other man in his situation would have done. Obviously this is beyond ridiculous, but popular opinion would have us believe this.

Many people don’t believe in the validity of the term sex addiction–but look at Tiger Woods’ example. His addiction could cost him everything–his family, his marriage, his career and untold millions of dollars. The best response I’ve ever heard about whether or not there is such a thing as a ’sex addiction’ was, “I never believed there were sex addicts or that I was one, but here I am sitting here in counseling, with my wife ready to kick me out and take away my kids. And my sexual behavior is to blame.”

So what’s the difference between sexual desire and sexual addiction? Is there such a thing as sexual addiction? How does one deal with sexual addiction?

I’d like to shed some light on sexual addiction and share some of my experiences in the field.

There is a large disconnect amongst the general public between substance addictions and sexual addiction. We see alcoholics and drug addicts as people who need serious help to break a severe chemical addiction, but when it comes to behavioral addictions (eating, sex, cutting, etc) we generally expect addicts to help themselves simply through their own willpower. In reality, the biochemical processes at play in all addictions are identical. In recovery, we tend to see ‘cross-addictions.’ The addict will jump from one addiction to another. The sex-addict will gain 30 pounds in 3 months. The drug addict will become a compulsive gambler. These addictive behaviors don’t happen in a vacuum; they are inter-related.

Ultimately, an addiction is a way to self medicate. It’s a way to stop feeling bad and start feeling good. “I don’t like how I feel after work, so I go to happy hour. I don’t like how I feel, so I get high. I don’t like how I feel, so I look at porn.” These thoughts are definitely subconscious. Very few addicts operate on this conscious level, but ultimately, this what drives all addictions.

The most common objection I get to this theory is, “But you don’t understand. My sex drive is just a lot higher than most guys.” This response is ridiculous. Addicts don’t have a sex drive problem. They have a self control problem. Most every man wants to have sex… a lot. But most every man tells himself no. Sex addicts do not. They look at pornography and participate in sexual behaviors that jeopardize every aspect of their lives.

There is no technical diagnosis for sex addiction. There is no DSM-IV classification for the behaviors that make up sexual addiction. But those that work in the field see it every day. We see the men and women who risk everything everyday for nothing more than a momentary feeling of pleasure that passes within minutes. They all need help. The church, and the world as a whole, needs to be educated on what the problem consists of and how we can help.

Today at 1 p.m., Tiger Woods will face reporters in an unfiltered interview format since his car crash at his house in late November. The bizarre details surrounding that night remain a mystery but are perhaps overshadowed by the larger questions that have been created by the details that have come out since that night.

Today will the first opportunity for the media to try satisfy the public curiosity. No doubt there will be some new nugget of information that comes out of this session, but my guess is that the deeper questions will remain a mystery.

Perhaps the reason for that is that Tiger himself is just now beginning to uncover those truths.

In my Easter message this past weekend, I said that the whole story of Christian faith involves both forgiveness and freedom. If we are under the impression that following Christ is just about being forgiven, we’ve only engaged half of the story. It’s an important half, but half nonetheless.

The message of the empty tomb is that God not only has the power to forgive sins, God has the power to set us free from our addiction to them.

Some might think “addiction” is too strong a word. If so, perhaps this words from Paul’s letter to the church at Rome will shed some light on my thinking.

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

I do what I do not want to do.

Throughout his writings, Paul calls this slavery, and addiction is one of the most devastating forms of it.

The week that the new first broke that Tiger was participating in an in-patient rehab program, I heard many commentators on say things like…

“Tiger’s not an addict. He’s just a guy.”

“That’s just what guys do.”

“There’s no such thing as sex addiction. It’s called being human.”

And yet there is still this nagging question… There is still the mystery that heightens our curiosity…

Why would Tiger Woods, the man who seemingly had everything, risk it all for this?”

I do what I do not want to do.

Talk to almost any family member who has had a love one wrestle with an addiction and they will say the same thing.

“How could they risk it all for this?”

I do what I do not want to do.

This week, I’ve asked a very close friend of mine to share his thoughts on this topic of finding freedom from addictions. He and I were roommates for a short time in college, and he currently works as a Christian counselor here in Mansfield. I’ve referred countless people to him in the last several years and I have heard nothing but wonderful things as a result of that work.

He will be sharing three guest posts here and on Friday I will be posting some next steps to consider for anyone who might be personally wrestling with an addiction in their life.

It’s my prayer that this series of posts will be the first step for someone breaking free from an addiction in their life.

Last week I shared a video blog from Chris Seay, author of “The Gospel According to Lost.” You can find that post here. Chris was discussing last week’s episode, Dr. Linus, and made the comment up front that this was perhaps his favorite episode of the entire show. The reason I agree is this clip.

For years we’ve watched Ben wiggle his way out of every jam. We’ve watched him manipulate others for his own gain treating everyone around him like some pawn in his attempt to maintain and grow his power. It’s reminiscent of another character we read about in Genesis named Jacob [unrelated to the Jacob in this series in my opinion].

The Jacob of Genesis spends much of his life conniving and even goes so far as to steal his brother’s birthright. Jacob’s brother Esau can’t forgive his brother for what he has done and vows to kill Jacob. Jacob flees his home to save himself from that possibility.

Years later, Jacob has to face his brother Esau but on the night before that reunion, Jacob wrestles with God. [Gen. 32:22-32] All night Jacob wrestles with this divine figure and neither is able to conquer the other one. Near morning, as the conflict comes to conclusion, Jacob asks for his adversary to “bless him.” Before receiving that blessing, the question is posed to Jacob, “what is your name?”

It’s the angel’s way of saying, who are you?

And in this moment, Jacob is faced with the realization of who he really is… Jacob… a conniving thief who had wronged his brother and jeapordized everything he held dear. When the angel blessed Jacob, he also changes his name.

“Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel.”

Your old life is gone. Your new life has begun.

Benjamin Linus, the character we’ve grown to respect and fear, is at a similar crossroads. He’s lost everything, and much of the damage that he is experienced is a consequence of his own actions… and he knows it.

“Why will you go to Locke?” Illana asks.

“Because he is the only one that would have me.” Ben replies.

Forgiveness creates a new path in Ben’s life, and perhaps for him, a corner has been turned.

During this past weekend’s message, I referenced one of my favorite TV shows, LOST. I hesitate to share illustrations like this because I am mindful of the fact that not everyone watches the show, and some have no idea what the show is about.

But this one was too perfect a connection. If you want to hear more about that illustration, you can listen to the sermon here.

For those of you who are fans of Lost, I had previously posted about a great book I read recently from a Pastor in Houston named Chris Seay. The book is titled, The Gospel According to Lost. You can read more about that here.

As a supplement to that resource, Chris is recording some video diaries after each episode of this final season. Normally, this isn’t something that I would post here because it makes me feel too much like a dork, but Chris has some great insight as to some of the “spiritual” themes that are at work in this TV show.

The only thing I will add to what this clip is my agreement with Chris that last night’s episode was my favorite of the entire series… The scene at the last when Ben says that he is going to Locke because, “he is the only one who will take me,” was powerful. Who among us haven’t felt like that before? Kicked to the curb trash with no place to call home?

And yet the words of the Savior still echo… “I will have you.”

Beautiful scene.

Now, here’s Chris.

Tonight, one of my favorite shows returns to primetime TV for it’s final season. Somehow I’m going to have to squeeze in two hours tonight for the season five wrapup show and the first episode from season six.

Last night, in preparation for the season premiere, I read a book I got for Christmas from my brother entitled, “The Gospel According to LOST.” Chris is a great writer, thinker and pastor of Ecclesia Church in Houston. Formerly, he was the founder of University Baptist Church in Waco, Texas. [David Crowder Band's home church]

I had previously read Chris’, “The Gospel Reloaded: Exploring Spirituality and Faith in The Matrix” which I really enjoyed. His new book on the hit TV series is an excellent read and I would highly recommend it to any LOST fans out there.

In each chapter, Chris explores each of the main characters and does a marvelous job unpacking the emotional and spiritual journey each character has taken over the first five seasons.

Connecting their pilgrimage to Biblical faith, Chris also examines the spiritual themes and questions that arise of the show as well as the mystery and wonder that underlies the entire LOST series.

If you are also on Twitter, you might check out Chris there. He was invited to the LOST premiere last week in Hawaii and has some interesting tweets/pics from his trip. You can find Chris on Twitter here.

Relevant Magazine posted some interesting tidbits about the history of Christmas. This one is there response to the question, “What day was Jesus born?” I’ve printed Jason Boyett’s response below.

Answer: We don’t know, but we’re pretty sure it wasn’t Dec. 25.

Even the date of Christmas doesn’t belong to Christianity. While the Bible doesn’t record the date of Christ’s birth, there’s little to suggest He was actually born on the 25th of December. As you might recall from the Christmas story, there were “shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night” (Luke 2:8, KJV). December, in Palestine, is in the middle of the region’s cold, October-to-April rainy season. Sheep would have been inside, not out in the fields.

Regardless, Dec. 25 is a date with a lot of history. It was the feast of the Son of Isis in ancient Babylon, a festival marked with plenty of eating, drinking and even gift-giving. Dec. 25 often marked the end of the Romans’ Saturnalia celebration. The date also coincided with Yule, an ancient German pagan festival occurring on or around Dec. 25.

And in the early years of Christianity, that specific day was celebrated as the birthday of the Persian sun god, Mithras. The religion built around this deity, Mithraism, had become a major rival to the Church in fourth-century Rome, and Dec. 25 was a big party day for the pagans whom Christians hoped to convert. Which posed a problem: How do we convert these guys if we immediately make them give up their favorite feast?

So, even though the early Church hadn’t really bothered to observe Christ’s birth at all, Pope Julius I chose Dec. 25 as the official feast day to honor Baby Jesus. And what a coincidence that this date not only competed with rival religions but made it a lot easier for new converts to drop their paganism while holding on to the day’s merriment, feasts and fun. The papal pronouncement became official in 375 A.D. Suddenly Jesus had a birthday.

This series of posts also addresses the origins of The Christmas Tree, Mistletoe, and Gifts.